Some may wonder where the Pirates vs. Ninjas controversy started. Others may not be aware that such a controversy exists. I will begin by addressing the second group of people. WAKE UP! History’s greatest adversaries are battling right under your noses. Google it.
For the rest of you here is a brief history lesson. In 1803 the USS Philadelphia ran aground in the Bay of Tripoli and 300 sailors and Marines were taken hostage by Barbary Pirates and handed over to Tripoli’s leader, Bashaw Yussef Karamanli. In response Thomas Jefferson sent William Eaton to command a handful of Marines to free the hostages and attempt our nation’s first regime change. After hiring several assassins (Ninja) and mercenaries in Egypt, Eaton marched across the Sahara to begin the United States first overseas operation. Eaton was never able to claim a definitive victory because Jefferson withdrew his support, however the struggle between ninja and pirates continues today.
Few realize that pirates were fanatical Muslims who used the principle of Jihad to justify their violent acts. They were generally state sponsored by Arab kingdoms trying to spread the word of Allah and make a buck. The U.S. had its hands in the Middle East cookie jar long before the discovery of oil. Due to our severely depleted Post-Revolution military our founding fathers found it necessary to pay off countries like Tunis and Tripoli to keep pirates from attacking our ships and harbors. Through the efforts of brave men such as the infamous Captain Kidd (who was so ninja that everyone thought he was a pirate) we were eventually able to rid our oceans of these barnacle loving terrorists. However, in recent years we have seen a resurgence of the pirate propaganda machine, from blockbuster movies to children’s books they are recruiting supporters by the thousands.
The Ninja have always stood for honor, loyalty and awesomeness. The ninja have never attacked our country. (The ninja do not fly planes they depend on stealth and Chinese stars and therefore could not have been a part of Pearl Harbor or 9/11.) Ninja have been the heroes of Japanese culture, protecting small towns and farms from the Emperors forces. Ninja work in total anonymity, they do not boast of their accomplishments. Ninja do not pillage and plunder in fact they are very polite. The ninja ranks are dwindling; Hollywood has not made a ninja movie since American Ninja 5 in 1992, because of their extreme stealth their battles go unnoticed by the media.
It is almost impossible to become a ninja; you must be able to master stars, nun chucks, staff, scythe, darts, and disappearing. Luckily you don’t have to become a ninja to be ninja. The adjective “ninja” describes anyone who is totally sweet and hates pirates. George W. Bush once said “you are either with us or against us.” So my fellow ninja, hasta la revolucion!
